A Christmas Confession🧑‍🎄🎄- Chirag Saxena 

Just like that, Christmas night was here. You could see the spirit of Christmas in the young and naive people wandering around the city looking for an adventure. 

The only adventure they will find is the freezing temperature, the grossly high prices of almost everything, and the overcrowded ghettos. 

But maybe it was hypocritical of me to judge anyone as even I was here sitting in a cafe with rusty chairs. The anxiety of not doing anything for Christmas got to me and in the final moment, I came here. At least now I could sip on my favorite coffee. 

All I wanted was some silence but the universe didn’t even grant me this one thing. A tall man wearing a pretentious red suit sat down next to me. 

“Can I help you?” I asked. 

“ I saw that you were sitting here alone and I was waiting alone too. So I thought why not chat?” he answered. 

“Umm yeah…” 

He narrowed his eyes while looking at me. 

“So tell me about yourself,” I said. 

I didn’t want to ask him anything, but it seemed rude to just sit there. It was divine intervention. I was forced to have a conversation on Christmas Eve. 

“Well I have started a new job for the holidays and I am loving it,” he answered. 

“So what’s your new job?” 

“I am a therapist but during the holiday seasons, I am playing adult Santa.” 

“Sorry?” I shrugged my shoulders. 

“Ah yes, you see I am commissioned by my company to meet people and ask them about the gifts they would like,” he chuckled. 

There was a sparkle in his eyes and somehow I knew that he was not joking. 

“Ok, so what does your company stand to gain?” 

He was silent for a minute as if even he didn’t know the answer. 

“The healthcare giant believes in a sort of determinism. With the help of publicly available data, they have found people who are likely to despise themselves and the spirit of Christmas. That’s why if I ask you what you want for Christmas you will likely not come up with anything materialistic or meaningful because deep down you don’t think you deserve it and because you find Christmas silly.” 

“What makes your company so sure? I think Christmas is silly but here I am enjoying the spirit of Christmas. Maybe I will take your gifts. Watch out, I will ask for something expensive,” I giggled. 

It was clear to him that I was trying to mock him and his company. At the present moment, I just couldn’t tolerate his existence or his company’s presence. I just wanted a calm evening, why did he ruin it? 

I never liked Christmas but I never thought Santa could ruin something. Well, I stand corrected. 

“Are you out because you want to enjoy Christmas? Or are you out precisely because you wanted to see stupid people enjoying Christmas and then make yourself feel superior?” he looked at me directly with an unyielding stare. 

I felt violated as if he had undressed me and then made fun of my ugliness. Despite everything I couldn’t feel angry at him. Even though I did not owe my time to this man and he was testing my patience now but over everything else I respected intelligence. I think he knew that. 

“I cannot tell you how the company will benefit but I can hint you that it is sort of a financial bet. Even if the company loses the bet they will still benefit because they get better therapists and sort of a case study,” he added. 

There was a brief moment of silence. In between, the waiter of the cafe came to our table with my order. 

“Do you want to order something?” I asked. 

“I am ok,” he answered. 

“So, do you want to talk to Santa or should I head back home for the day?” he asked. 

“Sure, let’s talk. I want your company to lose the bet.” I answered. 

He had a smirk on his face which made me nervous. I felt that he had more in store. Something which I was not prepared for? 

“Before I started talking to you, I observed you from that shop across the street. I couldn’t help but notice a certain smirk of disappointment. Don’t you like Christmas?” he asked. 

He waited for my answer. 

“No. All these people get together for one week as if happiness is on sale,” I looked blankly at him. 

He observed the crowd and he also noticed how everyone merged together to pretend to be happy. 

“You see, Christmas is a holiday that gives people an opportunity to get together with their families and relax,” he said. 

“Now the actual holiday has been separated from the religion. These people are just looking for a good time. For them, it couldn’t be much different from an adventure park ride. It is all about having a good time with their loved ones,” he added. 

There was an awkward silence between us and I was getting nervous because I knew the question he was going to ask. 

“What about your family? Where are they?” he asked. 

“I visited my dad earlier today. He is in an old age home,” I stuttered. 

“You sounded nervous when you mentioned the old age home. Are you somewhat ashamed that he has to live in a home?” he asked. 

I felt offended by this question. I wondered how he was a therapist as they are supposed to be somewhat diplomatic but this guy was just attacking me. 

“That’s not fair. He is simply at a facility where others can serve him best. I am occupied at work most of the days and I am not the best person to meet his needs.” 

He scratched his chin and formulated his next words. 

“So it doesn’t bother you that he doesn’t live with you?” he asked. 

“Well, of course, it bothers me!” I yelled and slammed my fist on the table. 

The crowd started to notice us and I started to feel a drop of sweat in December. 

“I am sorry I didn’t mean to yell,” I apologized. 

“It’s ok,” he put his hand on my shoulder. 

“Well, I did invite him to live with me after my mother passed away. It went well for a few months but later everything overwhelmed me. I couldn’t balance work and taking care of him. I felt that it was best for his health if he was at a facility with experts,” I said. 

The pretentious Santa started looking at the crowd that was passing through our street. 

“What I am hearing is that you tried to take care of your father by yourself but when you couldn’t do it you sent him to a home. In other words, what you did was the best for yourself and him. It’s not like you abandoned him,” he said. 

“Yeah I guess,” I looked down. 

There was a silence between us again. By now, everyone had left the cafe and even the surrounding street was empty. The silence was loud! 

“So what about your love life?” he asked. 

“Ugh, I am single,” I answered. 

“Never been in a relationship?” he asked. 

“Umm… I was in a long-term live-in relationship but it ended this year,” I answered. 

“I thought you would hesitate to tell me that but I am glad that you are opening up,” he said. 

“Anyhow, so why did you guys break up?” he asked. 

“Hmm. You know how kids always ask for toys? But once they get the same toys they discard them the very next day? That’s exactly what most romantic relationships can be like. You meet someone, you like them but soon you get bored of them and you are waiting to be free. Well, I wouldn’t say that the same thing happened between me and her but after a point, I was in the relationship just for the comfort of it. Not because I had any sort of great feeling but because she felt familiar. I guess she realized that? She deserved better and that is why she left me,” I said. 

After I had stopped my rant, my hands were shaking. I was wondering if I am a terrible person or if that is what being human is like. But if every person is so terrible, so mean, and selfish then why do we celebrate festivities? 

“What you have mentioned happens often. Therapists don’t often do this but I will use my personal story to elaborate this. You see that is exactly what happened between me and my ex-wife. After a year of marriage, we both just got used to each other. But now with my current wife, it has been a decade of marriage and we are still together. Now I don’t really have a secret recipe for a good relationship but it has happened with me more than I would like to admit. What happened with you and your ex will happen with you again but if you are open to new experiences you may just find the one. You know what I am talking about? The person who brings a sense of stability and excitement? You and your ex were simply not a good match so you are not a terrible person if the relationship failed,” he said. 

“I don’t remember when I asked for you to be my lawyer,” I sighed. 

“I am not defending your character but I am reminding you that you are not a terrible person. Whatever happened with you happens with everyone. Thousands of people leave their parents at an old age home because they are sick. A lot of people get bored in relationships. What is unique is your response,” he smiled. 

“What should my response be then hah? I failed as a son. I failed as a partner. I failed,” I said. 

Tears were rolling down my eyes. He came around from his desk and comforted me by putting his hands on my shoulders. 

“Look everyone fails. You still have your father with you. Admitting that there are better people who can help him is not a failure. You still go and see him, don’t you? A relationship dying out is not a permanent failure. If one relationship has died then that creates space for another. A lot of relationships are trials. If you fail, then you learn something and you take those lessons to the next relationship.” he gave me a small hug. 

He kept standing around my desk, “Look out there. All these people are celebrating. Do you think everyone is a model son? A model partner? They are not even close I bet. The reason they celebrate is because they believe that there is goodness in them and they find joy in it. They believe that they can work on themselves in the year to follow. They affirm this message with their loved ones. Now that in my opinion is the true meaning of Christmas.”  

“If you think you are not a good person then it means that you know what goodness is and all you need to do is affirm that there is goodness inside you. Once you affirm that then all you need is to give life another go,” he added. 

“Maybe you are right,” I said. 

“So Santa thinks that you have really tried to be good this year. Even if everything didn’t work out. He thinks that you deserve a gift for trying. Don’t you?” he asked. 

The question pinched me. Now it was a true test of my character. Could I forgive myself for everything that went wrong or will I follow the same cycle of self-blame? 

I held my breath and said, “Yes.” 

“What do you want for Christmas?” he asked 

I went to his table and whispered the answer to him. 

“That’s a rather unique choice, my friend,” he said. 

We laughed and decided to have a real meal dedicated to the Christmas spirit. 

About the author

Chirag Saxena is the author of ‘Reinventing the Wheel’ and a content marketer by profession. He takes great interest in philosophical questions.